Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
