how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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