she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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