he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
