I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
