if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
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