the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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