If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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