you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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