too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
