i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
