I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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