i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
