Im at strip club and am horny
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
