You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
