I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
