i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Randomize
