So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
