I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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