i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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