he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
