my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
do herpes really smell.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Randomize
