I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
