Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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