I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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