The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Randomize
