i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
