I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Randomize
