I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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