Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
