I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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