I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
