I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
