So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
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Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
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Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
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