Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
