I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
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