oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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