I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
