I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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