When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
