how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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