my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
