all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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