just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
