Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
