My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
