Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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