its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
