I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I think I sprained my soul last night
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
