I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Randomize
