sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Randomize
