What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
