i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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