I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
